the reason these exist (iirc) is because peppa pig is banned in china for “promoting gangster attitudes”: peppa was popular (for whatever reason) with “shehuiren” (anti-establishment internet users), who made a lot of memes involving peppa and even got tattoos of her because it’s funny. the result of banning peppa is that shehuiren-types liked peppa even more afterwards, and now she’s a bit of a counterculture symbol in china. hence these shirts.
this is the EXACT kind of knowledge i absolutely had no idea i so badly needed
Ageing slows the greater your impact on history. Washington, Churchill, and Lincoln live well into their 200s, while figures such as Julius Caesar live for close to a thousand years. It is your 5000th birthday, and you look as young as you did on your 21st.
I walk outside and to a massive crowd cheering me on. “Happy 5000th to the creator of Meet n’ Fuck games” reads a giant banner.
a 30,000 year old minecraft youtuber hurls a javelin through your chest
my fiancé: honey i don’t think this is a good location for a wedding…
me, staring at the abandoned waffle house that was used as a brothel in the 1890s that emits an eerie glow and once had a murder happen inside it and is located precisely 7 miles away from area 51: i think it’s perfect
Almost all of Indiana is terrible, but I really don’t think Carmel gets enough derision. Fucking Carmel! Tacky, overpriced, full of rich people, and littered with shitty statues. I hate it!
There are statues all over the sidewalks downtown, but they’re not cool statues. They’re not commemorating important historical figures, they’re not creative artistic pieces, they’re not interactive. They’re just unsettling, obtrusive, and garishly-painted statues of random civilians who look like residents of Pleasantville, like “old woman with grocery bag”:
or “white cop poised to jokingly slap your ass for a photo”:
and “corporate shill taking up bench space to keep homeless people from sleeping on it”:
They’re always in the way, they never move when you say “excuse me”, you’re constantly mistaking them for real people, and they’re UGLY. They’re so UGLY!
Dear Carmel, scrap them all and hire living statues. Mimes. I will forgive you cursed city for its crimes if you become the mime hotspot of Indiana.
Hey my hometown has one of those weird cop statues
like… the same one
SLAPPING ASSES ACROSS THE UNITED STATES
I used to live in Carmel, Indiana, and my driver’s ed teacher told me he liked to dress up as a fisherman on the weekend, and sit on an empty bench near these with his rod and tackle box, and hold perfectly still. He liked scaring people when they came up to take a picture of the “new statue”.
Your driver’s ed teacher was an entrepreneur and I think this should be how we take down Carmel, Indiana. We descend upon the town en masse as a plague of living statues.
writing style: author from the 1800s with a severe love of commas whose sentences last half a page
I came out here, to this point, to this place, hoping against all hope and despite signs and portends suggesting otherwise that I might, somehow, find myself having a pleasant experience, and yet here I stand, alone against the world, feeling assaulted, attacked on all fronts, knowing not my enemy’s name nor his face nor whether our battle is done.
….is that “I came here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now” but by Oscar Wilde
listen I can respect that Marina ‘and the Diamonds’ Lambrini Diamandis wrote a song about how bad she wants to fuck and made all the lyrics about fruit and eating and stuff, but I cannot condone her using the lyric ‘I’m your cauliflower’ and expecting it to be considered sexy
well i guess this is it 